Rewriting a Story

womanheartThis probably falls under TMI but doing so keeps me accountable and honest. Besides I’m the Queen Bee of TMI.

This may be a strange decision from someone who leads a Sex Positive community, but I am on a sex sabbatical. An intention sex fast. (Some may call it “celibacy”, but that feels really extreme and pervy in a Catholic priestly sort of way).

When I first joined SexPositive Portland in January of 2015, I was healing from being totally shut down sexually. My body lived within the story fed to me in my Catholic upbringing that men where predators and just wanted to use me (sexually, economically, socially). It felt so real and true. When I tried to speak up for myself it meant choosing between the security of marriage and the independence of self. I was told I was bossy and controlling, so instead I disconnected from my body in order to survive.

SexPositive Portland opened up the world of safety, exploration and healing. It almost worked too well, and I disconnected myself emotionally from sexual intimacy. Through my work at ISTA (International School of Temple Arts), exploring sacred sexuality and the tantra events at SexPositive Portland, I recognize how difficult it is to be vulnerable. To ask for what I want without feeling bossy or controlling. I couldn’t even do this at Adoring the Feminine. Sex is easy for me now, but intimacy is terrifying. I can play a role, put on a sexy mask, be the sparkly unicorn, but show up authentically and vulnerably? Fuck no. I risk being seen and told that I am “too much” (too ambitious, taking too much space, too masculine) and at the same time “not enough” (not quiet enough, not surrendering enough, not young enough, not sexual enough. I think these stories are common among strong women.

This summer I decided it was time to rise in love with myself. It has been really difficult, to be both strong and allow myself to be weak. Part of this journey is to become my best lover. To figure out how to reconnect with what I desire and at the same time let go of any attachment to actually getting that. Digging deep, loving myself, create meaningful relationships outside of romantic and sexual connection, and truly allowing myself to be loved. It all starts inside. Rewriting the story.

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